Posts Tagged ‘family’

Distancing…

Posted: May 25, 2018 in life, Spiritual
Tags: , ,

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Each step carries me further from the tumult of the past.  Such grievances, such betrayal, they are lost amongst the grains of sand and silt that form the trail I leave behind.  The sun beats on it.  The rain dilutes it and reshapes it.  When I turn to view it, to gaze upon all that I have seen before, it is but a mirage.  It hints at nothing, just travel, just experience that is now lost and liberated amongst the grand cosmic web.  It pleases me to see it from this vantage point, this new plateau.  The ebbs and flows of my soul are now mixed into my general being-ness.  Connotation is absent.  My intentions and my actions have been good and right.  They remain so.  My integrity has remained intact with occasional infractions which bother me not in the least.  Guilt?  For what?  I don’t need it and I don’t use it.  Before me meanders a silty river draining fire charred slopes.  It’s as black tea filtered through sandstone and mule fat, sage brush and laurel sumac.  High, real clouds float above me.  The sky is blue and silver and white and gray.  Time washes by me in the black water, the mountain decoction.  The fluctuations of civilization, with all of it’s drama, hype and disappointment goes unnoticed.  The culture of blame and worry, fear and isolation does not resonate in the natural frequencies.  It holds no power here, no lasting impression.  It is seen for what it truly is, illusion and separation.  How it’s foothold was planted is a story I do not understand.  Fear and violence, that ragged, jagged god, with a little g, has worn out his sloppy and unattractive appeal.  Quiet you!  You’ve spoken too much.  Your eyes are gone, your heart is black!  No one comes to you anymore!  You are a burning building, toxic and asinine, like a drunken fool berating his hosts, like an arrogant traveller haggling with the poor.  Your time here is nearly done.  I have no more rules to live by and certainly never followed yours.  You are an impostor, a parasite!  The family I came from, their hearts and minds have been ravaged by your deceptions, your innuendos and mixed messages.  My ears are sealed.  My mother, my sister, my father, they are gone.  Do I miss any of you?  The answer remains unclear.  I see no joy in their worlds, no passion, no thoughtful, flowing love and wonder.  Alas!  They are but vacuous insects in my mind’s eye.  Their souls lay upon sheets of ice, glacial emotion, lurking like hungry dogs upon electric floors.  So many big words, so many authors read and examined, so many mistakes repeated, rewritten and enacted.  It’s too bad you missed me ladies!  It’s too bad I scared you off with my unbound love and my howling and carrying on.  I thought you all, as well, were enamored of this glorious, miraculous realm, this heaven on Earth.  Oh Lord, great Creator, how easily have we turned to living in hell?  Let us not feel bad for it, as that is folly.  Get up, wipe yourself, stand up straight, never fear and get your ass walking again.  I have no apology for you!

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Sycamore, my brother, my child

How I long to be connected with you,

and we are, I do know,

but life is so funny, so fragile, so fast,

how do I keep up and let the moments last?

I find myself so wrapped up in me

that it becomes hard to just float

with you.

So many things in my mind come and go,

the days are broken yet very sweet.

I am looking for peace within myself

so that I can live in the moment with you.

I know it is hard to understand

why sometimes I am here

and others I am gone.

Always I love you.  You have my respect.

I admire you so,

your strength and your ways.

Can you feel it, young boy,

do you know where I stand?

I hope so because you deserve so much,

it is my intention, my lasting hope,

that you feel this man who is now your father,

to understand the love that pours forth

and shines upon you.

I will continue to strive to be here for you.

I will continue to love you as this life unfolds

and I will pray that when you look back

you will be able to know that your father

was always so proud to be

connected to YOU.

The scent of jet fuel lingers in the lobby.  Tom DeLay smiles for the cameras on CNN.  My feet hurt in black boots that aren’t always comfortable.  Bottles of water cost $2.89 at the fancy coffee kiosk.  The toilets suck one gallon per flush;  no charge.   My tiny vinyl seat holds on to my ass like a horny girlfriend.  My wife don’t love me no more.  I find myself in airports often these days.  All of this traveling is draining my bank account.  I shouldn’t have a bank account anyway.  Maybe I will dig a hole and plant my money in the ground.  I might just quit paying my bills.  All I really want are my children.  They want me.  We want to be a family.  We want to be together.  That is all.

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